To the woman who just found out her husband is looking at porn. Now what?

Oh, lady. Your heart hurts, doesn't it? 

However you happened to find out, it feels like someone knocked the air right out of your lungs. 

Maybe the nagging gut feeling you’ve had for so long is finally confirmed and you realize you’re NOT crazy. Or you are 100% completely blind sided. Either way, it leaves you feeling unstable, vulnerable and like your heart broke into a million little pieces. 

How can I ever trust him again? What has he looked at? Has he cheated? How do I act around him? How do I take care of my kids while I’m in the midst of this crisis? How long has this been going on? 

Not only do you have a million questions running through your mind, but the bitter betrayal will leave you feeling an insane amount of emotions. You’re grieving, sad, angry, vulnerable and confused all in the exact same moment.

So what do you need in this time of crisis?

Here are a couple things I’d start off with:

Acknowledge your pain

Finding out your husband has a pornography addiction is a TRAUMATIC event for a woman.

It's okay to not be okay. You WILL feel a wide range of emotions. 
So whatever you're feeling, it's okay. It's good to grieve and it's good to acknowledge the deep wound this has caused you.  

It's good to ask questions and seek answers. But before you do that, let the initial tidal wave of emotions settle a bit. You don’t want to ask questions and find out answers that will further damage your heart. Especially before you’re ready to really know the answer. Occasionally, some details are best left unsaid.

Seek out support

Pursue women in your support system and let them love on you during this time. You can’t do this alone and you shouldn’t do this alone. 

Does that mean sharing with everyone you know about this devastating news? Absolutely not. But having a few trusted girlfriends that you know will care for you, and speak truth and gentleness into your soul at this time is a GOOD thing!

Once the initial shock settles, it may even be a good time to consider seeking out a support group or counseling for yourself. A great resource to get plugged in with other women experiencing the same thing can be found through www.wivescare.com, a part of Be Broken Ministries here in San Antonio. 

How will I ever recover from this?

Here's the hope I can offer you: 

Your husband's decisions do not reflect who you are as a person. Period.

You’re not less of a woman, unattractive, unlovable, or undesirable. You were created with tremendous worth and are worthy of love and belonging. What has been done in the context of your marriage is wrong. 

Because your worth, value and significance aren’t dependent upon your husband, you DO have the capacity to be okay. It may take some time to gather the pieces of your shattered heart and figure out all the details along the way, but your ability to heal isn’t dependent upon him. 

We do NOT want the behavior to continue, of course. But if your husband decides not to seek repentance, you can heal. Our God is too big and too good to leave our tender hearts and well being in the hands of someone else.

It may feel like a far away dream that you'll ever be whole again. And that's okay. No one is here to rush you through your own grieving process. But for now, get in touch with a trusted friend and let yourself grieve. 

You're worth it!