The Spiritual Narcissist

Once you've had the unfortunate opportunity to encounter a narcissist, you become well aware of the facade they put on in public versus who they are behind closed doors. 

The majority of people I've worked with that have an NPD person in their life say the narcissist identifies as Christian. It's a part of the culture in Boerne, TX to be a Christian, which is why we may see so many narcissists thriving in the church.

The truth is, they know exactly what to say and do at church to solidify the facade. 

Here are a few common characteristics among narcissist in the church. 

1) They never actually grow.

Narcissists are lovely at doing and saying the right thing in public. But as you see them over time, you'll notice that they don't ever actually change.

Typically he/she will be good at giving all the right answers at bible study, but you never see true heart change. It's not always easy to identify unless you spend a significant amount of time with the person or experience them over an extended period.

One way this may manifest itself is by hearing someone make excuses as to why they haven't started serving in an area that's needed, even though they've talked the talk about serving. Or maybe they say the same spiritual lingo in all conversations, yet you never see those things put into practice. 

You may also hear them repeat the same examples of the "spiritual" things they've done. 

i.e., how he/she has a hard for serving others but can't list anything they've done to help others in the past couple of years. Or you hear of a wife who is talking about how she submits to her husband, but she's giving an example of something she did years ago. And that's the only example you've ever heard of her giving about submission. 

To submit is a continuous process. It's saying something if you don't have any recent examples.

2) They're the person everyone assumes is "perfect."

They are the "go-to" person. The one that always has the right answer. The person that everyone looks up to and subtly worships. No one verbally states how perfect they think this person is, but there is a subtle expectation that no one will quite reach his/her spiritual level. 

They are the person in a small group that people look to for the "right" answer. 

This is also the person no one questions if someone were to state they've done something wrong. They will make excuses for the person, defend them, etc. But won't necessarily assume or believe they've done something wrong.

3) The narcissist will use different manipulation tactics to elicit specific responses.

I've seen this play out a couple of different ways. A simple method is over talking. The NPD will keep talking to either

1) Get people to disengage, so they become unaware that the person is a fraud.

2) Say a lot of spiritual lingoes but never actually complete a sentence or make sense, causing the others to assume they don't understand/are confused, so they believe they are the problem. 

Another tactic would be to elicit a subtle pout as they speak to get others to feel bad for them and tell them what a great job they did or how what they shared was beneficial. 

They may even "correct" you as you share something that is on your heart — making sure to subtly let the group know that they are more spiritual than you are. 

4) Serving others is actually about them.

They will serve in the youth group, for example, but not for the kids. It's so they can give a good "humblebrag" about how and where they serve. 

Or they may be wealthy and donate lots of money to someone, or an organization in need. However, they won't let this go unknown. They have to tell at least someone, if not multiple people, about what they've done. And it's generally spoken about in a subtle way that sounds like they are sharing with you in an intimate way, not overtly braggy. 

5) They don't give specifics about their "sin."

Narcissists generally get good at apologizing, if done at all, for things you've said they've done. But if you get into a conversation with them they don't think what they've done is wrong. They think you were the problem, you are the reason they acted that way, or you were too sensitive to what they said, etc. 

True repentance from something you've done wrong is specific. 

Like I mentioned, NPD's are good at saying the right thing. So they may talk about how they've struggled with pride, for example, and how God is working in their heart. However, they don't ever have an authentic vulnerability and never share specifics. 

All of these tactics go back to ego. A narcissist is so afraid of being found out for who they are that they will do whatever it takes to maintain a front. They shame others, run smear campaigns, manipulate, and prey on vulnerable targets (usually people who've experienced previous abuse). 

A key takeaway to always remember when dealing with an NPD person is, nothing with a narcissist is authentic or real. They don't care about you or anyone else. They only care about themselves and maintaining their reputation. 

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