Why going backward equals moving forward in therapy

"I'm over the past. I don't need to go back; I want to move forward with my life."

Maybe you haven't said these exact words but summed up it's just that: I don't want to look into my past, I want to look into my future.

The thing is, we have to go backward to move forward. The present patterns you're struggling with now are a repeat of past patterns.

We usually don't like to dig into our history because it's painful, and we don't want to deal with the hurt. But if we don't, we (often unknowingly) let our wounds define us and never really get to live free.

You see, the root of our current difficulties is an identity problem.

How does that work?

Growing up, every single person receives messages to them and about them as a person. Usually, this comes from our parents, other influential people, or various difficult circumstances in life. These messages are internalized as beliefs about ourselves, and through our belief system comes every behavior pattern we have.

A simple example of this might be… Let's say you grew up in a family system where your dad was a work-a-holic, and you had multiple siblings, so your mom was exhausted by raising the children, mostly alone.

As an adult, we can look at this situation and say things like, "My mom did the best she could. Kids are exhausting. Or my dad was trying to make ends meet. He wasn't trying to stay away from us."

Children perceive things through the lens of themselves. So dad being gone all the time isn't understand by a 6-year-old as him trying to help the family out financially, it could be perceived as "what's wrong with me that daddy doesn't want to be home much? I must be a burden." Of course, how this is perceived is based on multiple factors - like personality, how well the child's needs were met, etc.

Our adult mind often rationalizes away our pain, rather than understanding that this experience was imprinted on your heart through the eyes of a 6-year-old. And the belief system you developed was also formed at a young age. Which is why we often don't even realize how much we operate out of lies.

This belief system then forms what I like to call a "false identity." And this faulty identity births our negative behavior patterns.

So maybe you believe deep down that you're a burden. So you grow up becoming a people pleaser, doing whatever it takes not to be a burden to others. Or perhaps you're co-dependent to try and gain a sense of identity. The way this can play out behaviorally is different for everyone.

So now what?

So we can let go of trying to suck it up by saying things like, "It's in the past, I'm over it." In reality, those wounds you're "over" are the lens through which you view the world.

You don't have to have just experienced trauma to be in pain, either. Because you think your story isn't as bad as someone else's doesn't mean the pain you experienced isn't legitimate.

We live in a fallen world. We're all wounded, no matter how you grew up. Feelings of shame, fear, sadness, guilt, etc. are universal. Because you experienced these things in a "less severe" way than someone else is irrelevant.

You have value. So no matter your story, God will continue to draw you in so he can heal your soul - no matter how significant or insignificant the wound may feel.

It takes guts to look at things that have hurt you. As humans, we will do pretty much anything to avoid pain.

But at the end of the day - the truth is what sets us free.

We receive healing equal to how honest we are about what needs to be healed.

The goal is never to dwell in the past, either. It's simply to get honest about the things that have affected us, allow time and space to process that pain, develop new and healthier ways of living, and to move forward in life in a more authentic way.