Narcissistic Family Roles
While there can be many roles played in a narcissistic family system, it's typical to see these three regularly at play.
The Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the child who is blamed for everything. They are the ones everyone can point the finger at and talk about their flaws.
Although each member of the family is unhealthy in an NPD family system, this is the one that everyone in the family judges and perceives their actions as unfavorable, regardless of whether it is wrong or not.
Because they are assigned this role, when they are unhealthy, this is the child who is often rebellious, acts out, hangs out with the wrong crowd, etc.
This child often struggles with feeling worthless, not good enough, or like they'll never measure up. They are often filled with shame and self-hatred.
The Invisible Child
Often the primary purpose for this child is interchangeable to the narcissist. This child can quickly become the scapegoat if the assigned scapegoat is acting in a way that pleases the narcissists. They could just as easily be moved to the role of favorite should they do something particularly pleasing to the narcissistic parent.
Besides being a piece of the game, this child is irrelevant to the narcissist. This often leaves the child feeling worthless and desperate to find their identity in any external factor they can to fill the void.
The Golden Child
The "golden child" is just as it sounds. They are known as the "favorite" or "perfect" one in the family. Typically this is the child who externally looks as if they have it all together. They make excellent grades, are involved in the youth group, etc.
In exchange for the favorite devoting time, admiration, attention, etc. to the narcissistic parent, they are given special privileges and treatment.
This child is often used against the other children, too. It's a constant battle for maintaining the "top" spot by doing anything the NPD parent asks. The only cost is giving up everything you are and shaping into the mold the narcissistic parent wants you to become.
Although externally, this child appears to be confident, they are often so empty inside from surrendering everything they are for this spot, they are depleted and struggle with people-pleasing.
All of the roles are detrimental and wounding. No position is better or less wounding than the others. They are unique in how their roles play out, and how each wound is interpreted and internalized is dependent upon the child's unique personality. But as I've worked with children of narcissists, there is one thing they all share in common: shame.
Changing Roles
Each child is assigned their role from the narcissistic parent from a young age, frequently based on which position would be the most damaging to the child. The more broken they are, the easier they will be to manipulate and control. However, the roles can change depending on whether the child is acting as the narcissist wants them. Or there was a new child added to the family, and roles possibly need to shift.
Let's say, for example, there are three children in the system, and each one has one of the primary roles listed above. If the "golden child" acts out and doesn't do precisely as the NPD parent wishes, then they may be temporarily moved to one of the other positions. Therefore, bringing the scapegoat or invisible child into first place until the favorite child acts according to the narcissist's orders.
Roles That Stick
Although each role is unfairly assigned, an interesting observation I've made when working with children of narcissistic parents is the specific role the NPD parent gives will form their reputation and stick with them over the long haul.
Narcissists are master manipulators. All of their energy is expended in creating and maintaining the best persona for their ego. They are masters in convincing people of their truths, which sadly often includes lies about their children to best fit the system they have created. For example, if child #1 has been the scapegoat, they often will become the role they are told they are. When a child is repeatedly told they are a worthless failure, and mishaps are always traced back to them, then they will come to think that what they do makes up who they are.
Because of these beliefs, the child will then actually become what the parent has convinced them they are. This makes it easier to propagate the lies that they are a problem child, and they are the cause of all family strife. It then becomes challenging to change how people perceive them. Many people will begin to interpret their behavior not for the action itself, but through the lens that they are a problem.
Let me give you a few examples. The scapegoat child may have acted out as a teenager, let's say. But as an adult, they are kind and compassionate and are just standing up for what they believe is right. Anything they do will be viewed through the lens of the scapegoat. So they set a boundary, it's considered to be obstinate. They don't engage in toxic behavior, and they are betraying the family. They share part of their trauma, and it's seen as illegitimate and dramatic.
The NPD parent has no problem making up lies about his or her own children, either. As long as the myth fits within the storyline the narcissist has created about who they are as a person, then it will diminish the legitimacy of the child if they were ever to reveal the truth about who the narcissistic parent is behind closed doors.
How to get out of these roles
Disengage from the narcissists. It's tough to stop playing the role you're in if you're still stuck in the system.
Find healthy people who aren't in the system that sees you for who you are.
Do the work to deal with the wounds. For example, if you were the favorite child, then you are likely a major people pleaser. Dealing with the behavioral ramifications and emotional scars of this type of wounding will be imperative to move forward healthily.
To a narcissist, life is like a game of chess. Everyone is expendable and used to forward their goal. To be free from a narcissist, you must quit the game. You will never win with a narcissist. They will always be one step ahead (by running smear campaigns, for example), or they will punish you with anything they can use against you. The only way for you to win is to LEAVE THE GAME.
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