How do I co-parent with a narcissist?
I get asked this question a lot.
You've finally mustered up the courage to leave the narcissistic abuser! An indescribable weight lifted off you, and it feels like you're finally free.
Except you have children together.
This newfound freedom can quickly feel squashed because now you feel the weight of being unable to get away from the same manipulative dynamics you experienced in the relationship. It can be discouraging and deflating.
Here are a few general principles that can help as you practically try to navigate your way through co-parenting with a narcissist.
Understand that true co-parenting isn't possible
At the core of a narcissist, they do not believe they are wrong, ever! They are not capable of seeing things from another perspective. They are not capable of thinking outside of themselves. Nor are they capable of putting your child's needs ahead of their own.
To truly co-parent well with someone, you have to be willing and able to set aside your feelings, agenda, etc., and do what the children need. Because narcissists aren't capable of doing this, you won't likely truly succeed in being able to co-parent together.
Knowing this isn't possible often means narcissists will use the children as a means to continue their games with you. Changing your perspective of what they are capable of can be helpful.
Have firm boundaries and stick with them
A narcissist will do whatever they can to violate your boundaries or try and get you to back down on a parameter you've already set.
Staying firm allows you to communicate the message that you will not be engaging in their games. Maintaining this consistency and staying grounded will also give your children a sense of security.
Disengage
Generally speaking, this is always a great rule to live by with a narcissist. However, you can't entirely disengage if you have children together.
One way to accomplish this would be to keep all conversations as short as possible.
Additionally, do not talk about anything other than what is necessary and related to the kids. If things get off topic, redirect it back to what needs to be discussed.
With this in mind, don't ever get involved in an argument. Narcissists thrive off of others' feeling unstable and insecure. It's one way they keep control over you. So if a conversation is no longer productive, then disengage until it can be effective. (Know this might have to be repeated multiple times in a single conversation).
Surrender your right
Surrender your perceived right never again to be manipulated by the narcissist.
Unfortunately, not being manipulated by someone isn't something God guarantees us.
Don't let your heart turn hard and guarded.
There is a difference between wisdom and self-protection. Wisdom would include limiting interactions, having boundaries, etc. But it is all clothed in an understanding that the Lord is your strength and shield. You don't need to go into self-protection mode and try to make sure they never hurt you again. Be wise but trust God's protection. Because sometimes they will still be able to manipulate you. And if they do, then thank God he's shown you an area he intends to heal in you.
Give your child the gift of peaceful interactions
There is no winning with narcissists, so don't even try. The wounded part of you will want to try and prove they're wrong, confirm who they are to your kids, and right whatever wrong has been done to you. The reality is this isn't helpful. Not to you or your kids.
Narcissists carry chaos with them wherever they go. So rather than focusing on what they do wrong, focus on what you can do right. Children need stability, peace, and security. All of which are missing with the narcissistic parent.
Don't live in fear
The Lord's grace is sufficient to cover for your ex's flaws. And He's also enough to heal the parts of you that broke in that relationship. So focus on your healing and the grace that's been given to you, and love your children well.
Stay present
Lastly, don't think ahead of all the years you have left dealing with a narcissist. God has given you grace for TODAY. He is with you in this present moment. He has not yet provided you the grace you'll need to sustain you years from now.
Ground yourself in the truth of His character and that he will give you precisely what you need as you stay present from moment to moment.
Want more? Sign up for my email list, where I aspire to send you monthly emails that help cultivate your relationship with Jesus.
When you sign up, you'll receive a freebie I created. It's a "cheat sheet" to help you identify a lie your heart may believe, countered with the truth you can meditate on.