How to Set Boundaries

The concept of boundaries is relatively simple. Letting others know what you are and are not okay with—and knowing your limits and capabilities. 

Yet it's not always easy to set boundaries.  

Here are a few simple steps that may help as you're learning how to set boundaries.

Get clear on why it's hard for you

For example, a friend asks you to volunteer for something you genuinely don't have the time or energy for, but you feel guilty for saying no. 

There is a reason you feel a false sense of guilt for saying no. 

I've observed that lacking boundaries is often a learned behavior from your family of origin. Take some time to reflect on your family norms and expectations (spoken or unspoken). How were you taught about knowing your limits? Did you have the freedom to say no? Were boundaries created for you as a young child? That might look like someone knocking on your door before coming in, not giving physical affection if you've expressed not wanting it, etc. 

Perhaps you were often made to feel guilty for not doing what your parent wanted you to do. Or boundaries were never healthily modeled for you. Maybe you learned you needed to please others to be acceptable. 

There are many reasons why we must take the time to reflect for ourselves on what's at the root of it. 

This information doesn't necessarily change things immediately. But the more insight I have into my behavior, the better position I'm in to make the desired change. 

Practice

Again, the concept is simple. Execution, not so much. So we have to have grace with ourselves and know that setting boundaries take practice. 

Imagine if I scooped you up and told you we're off to the airport. You're about to get on an airplane to Spain! 

You've never been there, nor do you know Spanish or anything about the culture. You picked up a copy of Rosetta Stone at the airport, and off you go. 

Would you be furious with yourself as you arrived on day one, not knowing how to say more than "Hola, Como Estas?" Hopefully not. You'd see that learning this new language will take time and practice.

We have to have the same grace when learning a new skill like boundaries. 

You'll do great at times and feel empowered. Other times you'll feel like you failed miserably and question why you can't do it. Rather than shaming yourself, reflect on what happened, who was involved, and what you would have liked to handle differently. Ask yourself hard questions to clarify what you can learn about yourself from the situation. And perhaps what wound might be influencing the "failure" to set the boundary. 

Know why you're doing it

We don't set boundaries out of cruelty. We do it because, ultimately, it allows us to be the best versions of ourselves so that we can serve others.

For example, at this time in my life, the Lord has called me to be a mother, wife, counselor, friend, etc. The top priority and calling of every role I play are that of wife and mother. 

Let's say I get asked to do something, and I know I need to say no to it (even if it's a good thing). I feel guilty, so I say yes anyway. Then I come home afterward, and I'm impatient with my kids, frustrated easily with my husband, and don't get enough sleep that night. I wake up and have the same bad attitude toward my family the next day. Then I am tired and emotionally unavailable to clients at work. 

Well, then, I am not fulfilling my God-given calling. 

My energy primarily goes to my family. So I need to preserve and make sure I am doing things in my life that allow me to have what I need to do that well. 

I need to take care of myself, my schedule, and my interactions to allow me to get the rest and refreshment my soul needs to pour into my clients each week. 

I see that as obedience to the Lord. 

So ask yourself: why am I setting boundaries? Or perhaps, why am I not? And does my answer align with what God has called me to do in this time of my life? 

If it doesn't, there is no shame here. You gather that information and use it to help you move forward in growth the next time you have an opportunity to set a boundary. 

Want more? Sign up for my email list where I aspire to send you monthly emails that help cultivate your relationship with Jesus.

When you sign up, you'll receive a freebie I created. It's a "cheat sheet" to help you identify a lie your heart may believe, countered with the truth you can meditate on.