What to do when abusers don't repent

I'm going to give you a common scenario I hear of often: 

Let's say there is a girl who was sexually abused by her father. Her mother knew it was happening all along, and to this day, both of her parents pretend it never happened.

When she tried to bring it up in the past to her mother, she pretended as if the girl had made it all up. Side note: This is called gas-lighting. You can read more about it here. To quickly and easily sum up gas-lighting, it's when someone psychologically manipulates you into questioning your reality. 

This is important to remember because gas-lighting is a typical response from abusers who won't admit to their abuse. 

Statistically speaking, many, many people experience abuse in this world. Of all the people I've worked with, very few have experienced true repentance on behalf of the abuser. 

So what do you do with this? How can you move on and heal? 

1. Get help

 All people, but especially people who've experienced abuse, build robust defense mechanisms to get through life. You may feel as if you can power through anything, but the reality is it's impossible not to be affected by abuse.

It infiltrates the deepest parts of the human soul. The very being God put into existence. You can't live in that freedom while carrying around the un-dealt with effects of abuse. 

Thankfully restoration can happen, but not alone. Wounds occur in the context of relationships, and more importantly, healing occurs in the context of relationships. You need to find multiple means (counseling, mentorship, small group, etc.) to heal from the abuse. Because an untold story never heals. 

2. Your healing is dependent upon you, not the abuser

 It would be nice to receive an apology, wouldn't it? It would be so satisfying if the abuser admitted what they did. But if you sit around waiting for this to happen, you may be waiting for the rest of your life. 

To wait for the recognition of the wrong done to you means you're putting all your power into the abuser's hands. Haven't they taken enough from you already? Likely, they took against your will, and now you're knowingly surrendering your power to them again? Ain't nobody got time for that. 

3. Set Boundaries

Whether the abuse has continued or stopped, it's not your job to stay in a relationship with someone who has abused you and remains unrepentant. The mere fact that they reside in unrepentance should be enough for you to keep some distance from that person. 

I've heard people say things like (i.e., but they're family). This is an excuse. Honestly, when someone is abused, it very often leaves the victim with a deficient sense of self. People stay in these toxic relationships because deep down, they don't believe they deserve better (or some other lie about themselves). 

Well, I'm here to tell you that you are enough. You are valuable. You have worth and are worthy of love and belonging just because you were uniquely created by the God who created all things. When you start to believe this truth, you'll begin to set firm boundaries with the abusers. 

4. Keep your eyes on the only one bigger than your wound

When we keep our eyes focused on the depth of our wound, it's hard to deal with. It's like looking at the grand canyon while holding a small shovel and trying to fill the whole thing with sand one scoop at a time. 

When we can keep our eyes on God, it puts the wound into perspective. He could fill the whole grand canyon in a blink of an eye with literally no effort. When I see God for who he truly is, I can have confidence that the same power that raised him from the dead lives in me. There is nothing I could ever experience in this life that God's power isn't big enough to heal. 

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